How to Remove Your Child’s Stains From Your Clothes Like a Man

So you’re a dad. You have children. They have orifices. They have bodily fluids. These fluids have a unique ability to attach themselves to your clothing at inopportune times. At a restaurant. At a birthday party. On your way out the door to work. What do you do?

You’re a dad. You’re a thinking dad. You MacGyver yourself a solution and hold your head high: 

1) Mucus: Mucus dries quickly then leaves a white spot on your clothes. Simply let it dry, then use another piece of dry clothing (i.e. your sleeve) to rub the spot vigorously. Problem solved. 

2) Spit-up: Now you’re sporting a big, white milk stain. This is a little more serious. It smells. It’s wet. It dries white. You need to step up your game. First you need to dry the spot as best you can with whatever you can find. Options: paper towel, blanket, page of an old book, wife’s hair when she’s not looking. Scrub well so that there is no chance of a white stain. If there IS a stain, camouflage it so that it looks like it was meant to be there. Option: use chalk to change the stain into a manly work of art. 

3) Vomit: Now you’re dealing with a lot of fluid and it smells awful. Don’t try to be a hero and clean it off. The solution is simple. If your shirt is covered, take it off. Be a man. Walk around the restaurant or mall or birthday party like you own the place. If your pants are covered, take them off too. You’re a man. You do as you please. Your children respect you for it. 

4) Urine: You’ve been peed on? So what. Your child’s urine is sterile and may actually help heal your skin’s wounds. Simply shift the wet spot to a wounded area of skin and heal yourself. 

5) Stool: Well now you’re in trouble. You smell. The stain is obvious. Is there a solution? Yes. Cut around the stain and remove the affected area of clothing. Cut a few more holes in your shirt. Boom. You’re the newest member of Mötley Crüe. Take the affected scrap of clothing home. Dig a hole. Place the scrap in the hole. Place your favourite seed on top. Grow a flower. Be a man.